


If I Ever Feel Better

by texaswatermelon



Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-27
Updated: 2012-09-27
Packaged: 2017-11-15 03:34:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texaswatermelon/pseuds/texaswatermelon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Becky Baker has always been under the impression that there is absolutely nothing in the world that can shake her faith in God.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Ever Feel Better

Becky Baker has always been under the impression that there is absolutely nothing in the world that can shake her faith in God.  She has loved God since birth, or perhaps even before that, and no matter how many trials she’s had to go through (sneers and whispers of “Jesus freak” behind her back and losing friend after friend because Luke is selfish and can’t keep his hands off any pretty girl that walks through their door), she has never once blamed or hated God.  God is the one who helps her through, who guides her and protects her and makes her strong in the face of adversity and stupid older brothers.

It turns out, however, that it doesn’t really take much at all to shake Becky’s faith.  All it takes is one very short kiss from one very pretty, very confused, very lost girl to shake not only Becky’s faith, but her sanity as well.

It’s not the fact that Jenna kisses her that turns Becky’s world upside down.  It’s the fact that Becky’s immediate instinct is to kiss her back, rather than push her away like she should.  It’s the fact that the kiss lasts longer than it should because Becky reciprocates, because Becky sees it coming long before it actually happens and she just lets it.  Because a deep, dark, dirty part of her has been anticipating this for quite a while now, hoping for it, craving it.  Because it’s Jenna who pulls away first and looks at Becky with wide, confused eyes rather than the other way around.

Because even after Becky’s mind clears and she realizes just what happened and how sinful it is, even after she fully runs out of the Bhandari household, leaving her bag and books and homework behind, even after she gets home and falls on her knees in front of her bed and recites prayer after prayer—even then, when she’s lying flat on her back staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom, she can’t forget the warmth of Jenna’s lips pressed against her own.  Can’t stop herself from wishing she could feel it again.

xx

Jenna comes up to her shouldering two backpacks the next day.  She approaches cautiously, as though she’s afraid that Becky will run away again, or scream at her, or strike her down with the hand of God.  Becky just looks at her wearily, though, because she hasn’t gotten a single second of sleep.

“You forgot this,” Jenna says tentatively, holding the bag out to her.  Becky takes it, but its weight makes her arm drop like a stone and she just lets it hit the ground and rest against the wall.  “I’m sorry,” Jenna continues after several seconds of silence, and her eyes are so blue and open and full of regret that Becky’s stomach twists like a treacherous snake inside of her.

She forces a smile.

“I know.  It’s okay,” she promises, because she is a Christian and good Christians forgive those who have wronged them.

Jenna looks unsure, but relieved, and she smiles brightly, reaching out to give Becky a hug.  Becky tries not to be sick as the smell of Jenna’s perfume makes the memories of yesterday afternoon hit her full force in the chest.

xx

Becky dreams.

She’s never been one of those people who dreams very often, or if she does she rarely remembers it.  Her sleep is mercifully quiet most of the time.

But for three consecutive nights she dreams—vivid, highly detailed dreams that almost feel more real than real life.  The first night, she dreams of the kiss, exactly how it happened that day.  The only difference is that she doesn’t run away when it’s over.  Instead, she stares back into Jenna’s crystalline eyes until her own snap open at the sound of her alarm clock going off.

The second night is different.  Instead of pulling away, Jenna continues to kiss her, over and over again until they are both breathless from it.  Becky kisses her back the entire time, and when they finally separate, she finds her fingers tangled in the golden strands of Jenna’s hair.  Jenna’s hand is settled at Becky’s waist, just underneath the hem of her shirt.  Becky jumps awake just as Jenna starts to lean in for another kiss.  Her forehead is damp with sweat, and her lips burn at the memory of being kissed.

The third night is the worst by far.  They are in Becky’s bedroom.  Jenna is strumming away on her guitar, singing a song that Becky thinks she’s heard before but can’t quite put her finger on.  Her voice sounds like Heaven, and Becky can’t stop staring at her while she plays.  When Jenna notices, she stalls in her playing.  Their eyes lock.  Becky’s gaze falls to Jenna’s lips, following the pink tongue as it darts out to wet them.  Suddenly the guitar as disappeared from Jenna’s lap, and before Becky knows what she’s doing, she’s leaning forward, pressing her lips to Jenna’s.  She kisses her hungrily, expertly, as though she’s kissed her thousands of times before.  Jenna lays back on the bed and Becky crawls over her, kissing her endlessly, running her hands up and down Jenna’s sides, relishing the sounds that Jenna makes in the back of her throat.

She wakes up wetness and heat between her thighs and rolls over to sob into her pillow.

xx

Jenna asks her if everything is okay at lunch one day.  The dark circles under her eyes become more apparent by the day, and she hardly even touches her food.  But Becky puts on a brave attempt at a smile and assures Jenna that everything is just fine.  Jenna looks unconvinced, but doesn’t press the issue.

xx

She prays every chance she gets, asking God to please take these feelings away.  And the dreams.  Especially the dreams.

He doesn’t answer her prayers.  Each night the dreams continue, get racier and more explicit, and each morning Becky wakes up with the urge to either kiss Jenna senseless or throw herself off of a roof.  She’s not sure which one would be more of a relief at this point.

She pours over her Bible, trying to find every single reference to homosexuality that she can.  The results are not promising.  There are several passages that make it clear that it’s not acceptable if she wishes to get into Heaven.  Becky knows this.  She’s always known this.  And yet, she’s suddenly unable to understand what would cause God to forbid such a thing.  As far as she can tell, most homosexuals are perfectly fine.  There are those two girls at school—Fiona and Imogen—who are very nice from what she’s seen.  Their relationship looks perfectly normal.  And Adam, he’s an entirely different kind of sin, but he’s also one of the nicest people that Becky has ever met.

So why is it that these people are damned for things that they can’t help?  Because Becky can’t imagine anyone ever choosing to be gay or transgendered.  _She_ certainly isn’t choosing to have these feelings about Jenna.

For each day that Becky contemplates this without coming up with an answer that makes any sort of sense, and for each day that she prays with no result, she becomes angrier and angrier with God.  It’s not fair.  None of it is.

xx

She snaps one day.  There isn’t really anything that triggers it.  Jenna is standing at the stove, cooking them grilled cheese and talking animatedly about something that happened in her information technology class.  But there’s just something about the way that she laughs at her own story and then glances up with those bright eyes to see Becky’s reaction that makes Becky just… lose it.

She walks forward with what must be a strange look, because Jenna is looking at her with something close to fear.  She doesn’t stop, just stalks right over until she has Jenna backed up into the counter, and kisses her.

It’s exactly like she remembers, exactly like all the times in her dreams, except that it takes Jenna a few seconds to actually respond this time.  But once she does, the spatula clatters to the floor and she grasps at Becky’s hips for dear life.  Their bodies connect at every possible point, and when Jenna whimpers it sounds like music.

It only takes a split second for Becky to realize that anything that feels this right can’t be a sin.  It can’t be.  God wouldn’t do that to her.

The grilled cheese burns while they kiss.

xx

Being Becky Baker’s girlfriend, or whatever she is, is definitely not easy.  In fact, it’s one of the hardest things that Jenna has ever done.  There are some days when Becky is so weighed down with guilt and doubt that she won’t even look at Jenna.  Days when Jenna tries to touch her, or even talk to her, and Becky will turn around and snap something vicious at her.  Days when Jenna wonders if all of this is really worth it.

But then there are days, and what glorious days they are, when Becky receives some sign or another from God, some piece of guidance that lets her know that God might be okay with what they’re doing.  And on those days it’s the most rewarding thing in the world to be Becky Baker’s girlfriend, because she really is the sweetest, most caring person that Jenna has ever met, and it’s impossible not to look at that smile without feeling her heart burst with something like love.

Jenna knows that they still have so many challenges to face.  Telling Becky’s family will be one of the biggest, and probably one of the most painful.  And she’s sure it will be a good while before Becky is ready to be affectionate with her in public.  But Jenna is patient.  She knows that it will be worth it to stick by Becky’s side, no matter how hard it gets.

And after all, Jenna’s had some of her own conversations with God.  And she knows that between the two of them, they will make sure that Becky is happy.


End file.
